If you've followed this blog at all, you're aware of my bountiful breast story. For those of you who are new and will see this post as the first glimpse into this blog, I'll quickly give a recap of the history.
* Age 14, my right breast was significantly larger than my left breast, so I had a reduction.
* Reduction didn't go as planned, and my nipple had to be removed. I say that my nipple was KIA (killed in action).
* I had a skin graft taken from my thigh to "recreate" a nipple for me. Thankfully, they did shave it first. Hairy nipples are unbecoming.
* Roughly 5 years later, when I was 18, I had an implant put in my right breast, because the reduction had actually taken out too much breast tissue, so I was STILL asymmetric.
* Implant had started to develop contracture, started to sit higher and was somewhat painful.
* Nearly 8 years had gone by since my implant was "installed," and it decided to rupture and completely deflate.
* In January 2013, I had surgery to remove the ruptured implant, remove the scar tissue capsule that had formed around it, and place a new implant in.
This brings us to June 2013. I've never been bashful about my dislike for my implant since it was replaced in January. I decided to call my surgeon's office to discuss with them what my options are, right now, with this current implant predicament. I'm finding that the implant is too full, per se. It makes my right breast look much fuller, and thus larger than my natural breast. The breast isn't fitting right in bras, I can't wear anything strapless, and I'm struggling with wearing the swimsuit I wore last year. This implant seems to sit higher than my last implant did, even with having contracture. I'm not happy. After years of having semi-normal breasts, I'm back to basics with a breast that refuses to play nice.
I'm not proud of what I'm about to say, but I suppose that other women in my situation might feel this, and it's important to discuss it. I have known I was dissatisfied with my breast for several months, but I've been too afraid to contact the surgeon until now. There's a part of me that feels like I'm being selfish for wanting "normal" breasts. There's a part of me that feels shame for wanting to fix the very thing I'm trying to hard to help other women hide. I know how to hide asymmetry incredibly well, but one thing I have forgotten about with asymmetry is the mental distress it causes. This is another topic I'll have to blog about next. I feel as though maybe this is the epiphany I was supposed to have; I'm supposed to help another woman suffering such mental anguish from asymmetric breasts. Maybe this is God's plan for me, and who am I to change those plans? The rational part of me says that notion is absurd, but there is still a part of me that feels guilty for wanting to have symmetry.
So, for now, I'm back to the clever disguises of the breasts. I'm still bearing cleavage like I'm a Kardashian, but for every ounce of confidence it appears I exude, there were countless hours of struggle, tears, frustration, screams, cries, and ten thousand outfits to get me to where I am right now.
